there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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