so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
