I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
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