I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
