Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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