nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
