my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
They say rihanna has been dating several mets players. They go on to say that she feels safe with them because they can't beat anybody.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
