East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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