I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
