How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
