Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
