just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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