dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
