I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize
