how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
