all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
