Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Randomize
