I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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