i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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