Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
