I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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