I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Randomize
