my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
