Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Randomize