He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
