So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Banned from zoo.
Again?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize