Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
