If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
My pussy is not your playground.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
