today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
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