If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
