At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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