Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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