you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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