hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
