While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
