you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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