you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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