I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize