I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
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