you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
