If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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