his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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