I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize