if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
