Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Randomize