I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
