im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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