Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
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