I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
