after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
Randomize
