I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Randomize
