good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
