I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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