"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
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