I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
