my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Randomize
