I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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