I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
